The loss of a child

Orphan, widow, widower it has always fascinated me that there is no word to describe a person who has lost a child! or who has lost a sibling.

Perhaps it falls into the realm of that sort of thing is so rare there is no point in having a word for it. Perhaps it is a loss so great that there is no word that could convey the loss, that could give it the power or respect it deserves.

No matter how you lose a child, miscarriage, stillbirth, accident, sickness or something unknown or unspeakable there is something unnatural about the loss no matter the cause.

From the moment a parent knows that little life exists the planning and dreams begin. Will it be a boy or girl? what will they look like? what will they enjoy? what will they grow up like? We picture births, birthdays, holidays, all of the firsts, getting married moving out having grandchildren as a parent a perfect life often flashes before our eyes. We dream of the parent we will be so similar or different from our own.

Then our world crumbles - the midwife not able to find a heartbeat, the silence after the birth, a knock to the door, a solemn doctor delivering bad news, and it is all ripped away.

Suddenly all our dreams are replaced with nightmares - sharing the news that there won't be a baby, explaining to family and friends that something has happened or is inevitably going to happen. The input of people trying to be helpful but saying things that cut to the bone.

Planning a funeral, or a memorial, or just being expected to get up and get on with things.

Suddenly you are dealing with new dynamics in your relationship - one partner wants to talk the other in denial never mind navigating other family relationships, and deciding what to do with their things.

The remarks keep coming - they are in a better place, at least you have the other kids be grateful for what you have, you can always have another baby. Or worse the silence as no one knows what to say.

Then ultimately comes that question- how many kids do you have? faced with the decision do I include the child I have lost, do I leave them out? do I explain that I lost a child and be faced with the questions?

There is no word for a parent who has lost a child and to me there is no word that comes close to describing it, I don't think there is a word in any language that can describe it. There is no way to convey the devastation it brings or the acceptance of the fact that it is something that will always be part of who you are.

Counselling can't take that pain away but it can help to process what has happened, it gives a safe space to talk about your child a non-judgemental place where you can say those unspeakable things "at the end I prayed for their death so there would be no more suffering". Where you can talk about those plans you had for the future, or talk about your child who they were who they were going to be.

You never get over the death of a child you just slowly build a life around that loss.