Understanding Boundaries vs. Rules: How to Set and Enforce Your Limits

Over the years, I have worked with many people who often ask, "I'm setting boundaries, and they keep breaking them. What do I do?" It usually boils down to two important questions: What is a rule? and What is a boundary? Often, people confuse the two. This confusion leads to unnecessary frustration in our relationships.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are personal limits that define how we want others to treat us. They can be flexible, much like a rubber band. A boundary can stretch, change shape, or become compact based on our needs. For example, you might be comfortable making an exception under certain circumstances, but that doesn't mean you lack boundaries. Rather, it showcases your flexibility in adapting to various situations.

What Are Rules?

On the other hand, rules are firm guidelines. Think of them like a ruler. They are definitive, leaving no room for interpretation—it's a clear yes or no. Rules come with consequences and require communication with others to be effective. If someone breaks a rule, it can have a significant impact.

The Key Differences Between Boundaries and Rules

When we desire something from someone, we may believe that setting a boundary is the solution. However, establishing boundaries can be more nuanced:

• Personal Ownership: Boundaries are personal. We can have different boundaries for different people or situations.

• Changeability: Some boundaries may need to be firm, especially when we are overwhelmed. Other times, we might be more flexible, allowing for exceptions.

• No Requirement for Acceptance: We don’t have to share our boundaries with anyone. They are our own, and we can enforce them regardless of whether others accept them.

• Non-Breakable: Others can't break our boundaries because they don’t depend on others following a specific behavior.

  
  

Rules, in contrast, have their own set of characteristics:

• They are directives that someone must follow.

• They often come with consequences if ignored.

• They require acceptance and agreement from the other person.

• They are rigid and lack flexibility.

• If someone continues to break a rule, we may feel powerless to stop them.

  
  

They're Breaking My Boundaries!

If you feel someone is violating your boundaries, ask yourself if you’re dealing with a rule or a boundary. While sharing your boundaries with others can facilitate respect and cooperation, it’s crucial to remember that you can enforce them unilaterally.

For example, consider telling your partner, "If you go out drinking tonight, you're sleeping on the sofa!" This is a rule, outlining what they can’t do and the consequence they’d face. If they come home late and choose to sleep in their bed despite your warning, they have broken the rule. In such cases, the rule-setter may feel powerless.

In contrast, a boundary might be expressed as, "If you go out drinking tonight, I’ll sleep on the sofa." This gives you the power to react based on the situation without needing to confront your partner. If they return early, you might pick a different outcome. But if they come back very late, you can choose to enforce your boundary by sleeping on the sofa.

Setting Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries empowers you to control your environment. Here are some ways to establish them effectively:

• Make Personal Decisions: When you’re tired, you might decide to go to bed early. Your boundary can simply be that you won’t answer your phone. In contrast, a rule would be, "Don’t call me after 10 PM."

• Control Your Time: If someone asks for your time, express your boundary by saying, "I’ll talk for 10 minutes." If they continue to talk past that point, you have the responsibility to enforce that boundary by ending the conversation.

  
  

Enforcing Your Boundaries

Enforcing boundaries is essential. Remember, your boundaries rely on your actions, not others' behavior. If you decide to turn off your phone at a certain time, you control that environment. Should someone overstep, your consistent behavior determines how boundaries are respected.

• If someone insists on asking for favors, you can simply say no. Should they push back, it's crucial that you continue to assert that boundary.

  
  

• If you have limited time to spend on a call, honor your boundary by ending the conversation at the agreed time.

  
  

Respecting Your Boundaries

Yes, others should respect your boundaries—that is a fair expectation. However, this notion resembles a rule. “You must respect my boundaries” allows the other person to choose whether to comply.

When someone oversteps boundaries, how you respond is entirely in your hands. You have multiple options: reinforce your boundaries firmly, accommodate their desires, or limit your interaction with them based on their behavior.

When Boundaries are Manipulated

Sometimes, when you begin to establish and enforce your boundaries, those who benefited from your lack of boundaries may resist. Here are some common manipulations to watch for:

• Claims of Unfairness: Remember, you have the right to set boundaries that protect your well-being.

• Accusations of Manipulation: In familiar discussions about abuse, you may feel guilty for setting boundaries. Understand that protecting yourself is not manipulative; it's necessary.

  
  

• Dismissals of Ridiculousness: When you set boundaries aimed at your protection, you’re within your rights to do so.

  
  

It might be hard when someone accuses you of being unreasonable. In such cases, consider speaking to a professional. They can support you in maintaining healthy boundaries.

When Relationships Fall Short

If you feel trapped around those who disregard your boundaries, it can be a challenging realization. Like rules, every choice has consequences. Sometimes, facing those consequences upfront feels easier than making changes.

When someone continually disrespects your boundaries, it’s a pivotal moment. The joy lies in understanding that you don’t rely on their behavior to enforce your boundaries. Your power comes from how you choose to respond.

For instance, if you state, "If you interrupt me, I will leave the room," and they proceed to do so, it's critical that you follow through on your statement. Every action is within your control.

People deserving of your company will respect your boundaries. Always remember: You are worthy of relationships that honor your needs and protect your personal space.

Setting boundaries is an essential part of self-care and personal integrity. Never hesitate to stand firm in your limits; they're yours to uphold and protect.