Coping with someone else's drinking

In UK culture alcohol is normalised - suggestions of having a drink after a stressful day, using it as a way to celebrate, to mourn, to relax.

For people are able to pick up a drink and set it down as easily this is fine, however for those who struggle with addiction this normalisation can take away the support and understanding surrounding the struggle they face and the struggle faced by those who love them.

For those who love and care for someone struggling with addiction there is a constant drive to help them to fix them, hiding bottles, shouting and screaming, sitting up all night waiting for them to come home, locking them out, hiding keys and money, spreading the word of their addiction in the hopes of getting help from others.

Then the desperation hits the fear of losing them, the embarrassment of their behaviour, the financial implications, the hurt caused by their actions, and at times the shame caused by ours.

Reaching out and getting support can feel impossible - telling people what is happening can be met with sure they're just having a drink, they aren't causing any harm. Lack of acceptance that the person has an issue with alcohol because they still have a job, they pay their bills so what's the problem.

For those living with it though it causes lots of problems not only with their behaviour but also with their own - becoming someone they don't recognise, putting their own hopes and dreams on hold because their life has become about protecting that person from the consequences of their drinking, phoning them in sick because they are passed out drunk, using money set aside for bills to pay for bail or damages, lack of sleep because of the noise they make during the night or because you spend all night out in the bar with them to make sure they get home safe, being woken up by late night phone calls from them or others telling you that they need to be picked up.

When the issue gets to a point where people do understand the solution to the problem becomes - kick them out, don't 'let' them do that. Cries of I'd never let anyone treat me like that, I'd sort them out - said with ease and no recognition of the difficulty with these choices, the guilt of not helping, the fear of what might happen if you are no longer there.

There is so little understanding and recognition of the impact of alcohol in many homes, it is the secret family illness - impacting all who come into contact with it.

But there is another way - detaching with love allowing those affected by the drinking of a loved one to live a happy life reducing the impact of the behaviour of the drinker. It's not an easy thing to do but it is something that is possible.

For many people walking into Al-anon for the first time they believe they are there to learn the secret of stopping someone's drinking - to hear stories of the things that others did that made the drinker stop, a step by step instruction manual on what they can do to help the drinker.

So when they discover that isn't the case that Al-anon is for them it can be a shock often met with "why do I need to work on me? I'm not the problem they are". Step one to admit we are powerless over alcohol - the first step in AA but also the first step in Al-anon beginning to realise that we can't control someone else's behaviour only our own. For that reason many people walk out after the first meeting never to return.

For those who stay however they discover a support - a place to be allowed to love the drinker without judgement, a place where there is no expectation or suggestion to leave them, and a place where they can share their story and hear the stories of others- stories of hope not always ending with sobriety but with self-love, with acceptance, with living a life again around the drinker, learning that they have no power over alcohol and being able to detach with love.

So what does that mean detaching with love - it means that we love that person and we can show that love, as we recognise in the same way our anger and behaviours never stopped that person drinking, our love and compassion don't make a person drink - it doesn't tell them we are Ok with what they are doing, or give them permission to keep going, they already know how we feel, that we are not happy with it. Detaching with love allows us to live our lives - to give ourselves permission to do things that make us happy, to recognise that the same way we are a grown adult capable of making choices so is the drinker and we may not agree with those choices but they are there's to make. Detaching with love doesn't mean letting them do what they want and treat us how they like it is about setting our boundaries and deciding what we are willing to tolerate and what we aren't and how we react when these things happen.

you can read more on boundaries in my blog

check out al-anon to get support or find meetings:

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics